Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
