yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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