I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
