Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.