my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
