he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
