Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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