somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
