went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
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These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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