So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
