The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
