Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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