what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
