Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your penis caused this!
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