You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
dude i'm inner monologue high
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
