Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
