You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
