Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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