Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
