A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
