Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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