i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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