i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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