worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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