During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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