Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
