Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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