Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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