wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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