I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
