So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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