chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
