My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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