Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
