Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
