i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
