I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
