I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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