We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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