i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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