I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
