i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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