Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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