I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
