I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize