My friends, they love my intelligence
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
