imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
