She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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