there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
