I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
