Soap is not a condiment
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
