I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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