I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
