why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this beer tastes like vomit already
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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