Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
